Give Your Heart a Break

1st day of December 2012..

I guess it is enough for me..

I guess the nature it self wants me to take a rest..

I guess the time also wants me to enjoy my own self while I'm still young..

I guess its time for me to stop pretending that everythings would be alright with a "boyfriend"..

Sigh..

I guess its time for me to..

To..

Live my own life..

In my own way..

In my own rules..

Looking forward for my future..

For my dreams..

Question to myself:

Single?

Hmm~..

It does not mean I will be alone or lonely..

How about your christmas? All your plans for december? New year???

Hmmm~..

I can spend my time with friends and families for christmas..

For new year, I can spend time for my self..

Does it sounds so sad?

Well~.. It depends on how you see it.. If I want a quality time for my self than.. it's worth enough..

Voices in my heart:

Stop pretending to be alright..

Stop pretending to be fine..

Stop pretending you are okay..

If you need to cry then just cry..

Cry out loud..

Yes its true crying does not solve everything.. But it able to make youfeel so much better.. Able to ease your pain.. Your heartache..

You are just a girl.. Nothing is wrong if you are crying.. If someone judge you childish bcause you are crying.. Just remember.. They do not know your problems!

Just..

Please..

Give your heart a break..

You still have a long way to go..

Just..

Take a break..

To breathe..

Trust me..

Listen to your heart..

Little Bit of Heaven

About 2 years ago..

My time has come to spread my wings.. Fly away.. Far away.. From everything that I have, that I own, in my life.. For a big change..

Start to live for my own life.. Start to survive my own self.. Where you can feel that your mind and your body work hand-in-hand.. Where you can feel that your brain never stop digesting what you accept from the outside world..

When your instinct become very sharp.. When you become more sensitive to what happen around you.. When you being force to live with many different people.. And accept them no matter what.. Because that is the rule living in society..

While you also have to study for your university.. Aiming for graduate as a bachelor student.. In 2 years only.. And with double majors.. I can't believe what am I thinking when I agree to live like that..

Its too late already.. What can I feel is stress.. depression.. sad.. lost.. insecure.. never enjoy my teenage life.. It's too late.. Too late.. I start to close my self from this world..

1 year ago..

Don't know from where he came from.. Don't know how he came into my life..

People said.. Anything that "easy come and easy go".. Never be alright.. But somehow.. As a girl who lost her passion in her life.. I decide to take that challenge..

I know it is a sin.. I know it is wrong.. But.. Again always have excuses for it.. Nevertheless.. It's true.. I am happy.. I start to live my life again.. People said "love come unexpectedly" and "you cannot control how you feel".. So.. What can I do??

People said "God work in mysterious ways", perhaps He heard my prayers? But I also believe in karma.. They said "what you wish with bad intention, you will pay back for that".. And believe it or not.. Here is my story..

I am so happy.. I can feel that I am being loved.. I can feel that there is someone who cares about me.. worrying about me.. taking care of me.. making me happy.. making me laugh.. They said "we need to be with someone who can make you smile and laugh".. I did it..

But.. As what it is supose to be.. Golden rule of life, "what you give what you get".. I receive my punishment after a bit out-of-control "enjoying" that tenporary feelings..

He left me.. To come back to his long distance girlfriend.. And I'm start to be lonely again..

Again..

Me..

And myself..

I had learned something from this.. No matter how.. You cannot make your happiness depends to others.. We own our happiness and we control our happiness.. We.. Are the one who incharge of our own happiness..

Never.. Expect others to make you happy.. We can be happy even if in depressed situation if you look from different angle.. That's why.. people always said, "everything happens for a reason, not just happen to make you sad or happy, there must be a lesson behind everything.."

And now.. I am..

Still feels lonely..

Haven't find out the meanings of life..

However..

I am proud..

To be able to stand with my own feet..

Being independent..

Survive for my self.. In this scary world..

My First Love

8 years ago..

He is so handsome in my eyes..

He is like a Taiwanese actors.. F4 is so famous at that time..

He is so clever..

He  able to play lot of music instruments like violin, piano and electone..

He must be a romantic guy ever..

I like him..

I am so much in crush with him..

I want him to be my boyfriend a lot..

I admired him..

He is my idol..

But.. 6 years age gap difference makes him not seeing me as girl..

I'm too childish, too small, too not so for him..

Yeah it's true..

I am still just a grown up girl..

I am still very young..

I let him go after several weeks trying to get his attention..

I give up..

No hope for me..

2 years later..

I have grown up as a teenage girl..

I start to contribute in social activities like orchestra, church activities and more..

My mom said I was like a fresh red rose..

I am so attractive..

I am so fresh..

I am so.. seduce..

Yeah.. so many boys keep coming to me..

Trying to get me..

Get my heart..

Having me as their girlfriend..

I am so happy..

So proud of my self..

I love my life..

What can you expect from a lovey dovey life?

He is coming back..

The one that I like 2 years ago..

He.. I met him in the church orchestra..

He still charming.. in my eyes..

He is still.. my idol..

As time goes by..

We frequently met because of the orchestra practices..

Yeah I can feel it..

He start to like me already..

He start to flirt with me..

I like it..

I like the way he tease me..

I like the way he try to grab my attention..

I like it..

Nothing can describe how the butterflies in my stomach keep moving around like crazy..

3 months later..

He propose me..

What can you expect from a 14 years old girl??

Uncertainty, unsure, but want..

The first time he propose me..

I reject it..

My family were in shock I come home with tears.. and I cried in front of them..

I still remember my lil brother's babysitter said " Oh I feels like want to cry too seeing you cry.."

I cried and cried all night..

I cried a river..

I cannot believe I reject him..

My idol..

The one that I want to have from long time ago..

I reject him..

One night after that..

We met accidentally in the church..

He is on duty and I am accompanying my mom..

We met together..

I still remember my mom tell me not to cry again..

I did not cry..

I am happy to meet him for unknown reason..

To stay beside him.. it's enough for me..

To be able to see him.. it's a heaven for me..

Surprisingly..

He propose me again that time..

I forget what I said that time..

But I still remember he said.. "we try first.."

And that is how I get into my first relationship..

My first love..

My idol..

My everything..